Footprints on my Heart
by littlelostholbygirl
Summary: When Jac Naylor is in a near fatal car accident, she walks away almost unhurt, but her younger sister has spinal trauma and has to learn to walk again. Jac struggles to come to terms with the guilt of walking away unhurt, while helping her younger sister find her feet again.
1. Chapter 1

I woke up to the familiar sound of bleeping machines. I was on Darwin ward, Holby City hospital had been my home for the past few months. Every day was virtually the same, I would wake up, have some tests and then go back to sleep.

Today would be different though, today was 'the' day. Everyone was expecting me to just be able to stand up and walk again. I had not walked since the accident. I had damaged my spine in the accident, I had needed several operations to save my life, including one on my heart which my sister had performed. I needed to learn to use my legs again, I hated relying on the people around me I was under a lot of pressure from my doctors, and one of my doctors was also my sister. My sister was world renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon Jac Naylor.

The day of the accident was a normal day, Jac was driving home from work after a long shift, I had come to the hospital to wait for her to finish work, so I was in the car too. We were discussing medical terminology, I found her job so interesting and she was like an encyclopaedia of knowledge. I could listen to her all day. We were pulling out of a junction and turning right, when somebody who was drink driving and speeding ploughed into the passenger side of Jac's car, where I was sat. Everything went black for me, but I know what happened next because Jac had told me.

The car flipped and rolled 3 times over about a 20m distance before finally coming to rest on its roof.

Jac was able to get herself out, somehow she wasn't seriously hurt. She was covered in small cuts, bruises and grazes but she had escaped serious injury. With the help of a passer by Jac managed to carefully get me out of the car and lay me on the road. I remember coming too, lying on the cold and wet concrete. I couldn't see or hear properly. I wasn't sure where I was or how I had got there, but I felt someone squeeze my hand and I knew it was Jac. I knew as long as she was there I would be okay.

"Hang in there." Jac whispered. She was crying. I rarely, if ever, see her cry. I used all my remaining strength to reach my hand up to the side of her face and wipe her tears away with the back of my hand.

"Help is on its way." She whispered. I wanted to tell her I loved her, but the words wouldn't come out. I was finding it increasingly difficult to stay awake. I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.

"Stay awake. It's really important that you fight sleep and stay awake for me." Jac said, leaning over and gently stroking the side of my face. Jac stayed sat with me, held my hand and comforted me until help arrived. We both knew how sick I was.

I drifted in and out of consciousness. I know ambulances, fire crews and the police came at some point. There was a lot of people and a lot of noise, but it was as if they were behind a cloud. I could barely see or hear anything. I remember somebody leaning over me, and they were wearing a different shade of green too the other paramedics. They had 'doctor' written on their jacket. When I heard her voice I knew who it was straight away. Connie had come to the rescue.

I remember overhearing a conversation between Connie and Jac. Jac wanted to stay on scene and Connie wanted her to go to the hospital and get checked out. Jac was injured, so she really needed to be checked out at the ED, but she didn't want to leave me.

"Let me do my job." Connie said firmly to Jac.

"Jac. Please. There's nobody else more qualified than me to provide emergency care. I need you to go and get seen at the ED." She added, putting her arm around Jac's shoulder to comfort her.

"Please...look after her." Jac begged, agreeing reluctantly. Jac came over to me and leant over my head. She kissed my forehead gently and whispered that she would see me when I got to the ED. Jac then climbed into one of the ambulances to be seen to.

"Remember me?" Connie said, kneeling down next to my head so I was looking up at her. I made an incoherent sound. I remembered Connie from when I was young, she was my sisters boss, and she taught her everything she knew. I was in the best of hands, but all I wanted right then was somebody I knew – and I knew Connie, so that was good enough.

"We're going to incubate you, to help you breathe." Connie said. She prepared the tube and talked to me while she passed the tube down my throat. I fought it all the way in as it's not a comfortable sensation but Connie was the best in the business, and got it in first time.

I don't remember the journey to the ED, but I know I woke up briefly in the ED. Jac was with me holding my hand when I woke up. I was sent for a CT and an MRI, before I was placed in a medically induced coma. Jac stayed with me throughout, comforting me.

I was in a coma for weeks. For the first fortnight, Jac refused to leave my bedside. Fletch had to come and beg her to get some sleep in the on call room. After a couple of weeks she went back to work, but every evening she would come and visit. She would sit with me, and hold my hand. She would talk to me, and tell me about her day and how she felt, but I couldn't respond.

The the day I came out of my coma was a big milestone. I couldn't talk when I first woke up, but I have had speech therapy and now it's like nothing ever happened. Every appointment I had with physiotherapy or speech therapy, Jac took the time off work to be there for me.

She cried the first time I found my voice. It was like a lightbulb went on in my head. I was resting with my eyes closed, and Jac was telling me about how she had saved somebody's life in a groundbreaking new procedure.

"We'll done, smartarse." I mumbled. Jac did a double take before shedding a tear. This was the day we knew I was going to be okay. I could tell Jac felt gulty and blamed herself for the accident, and felt that it should have been her in my place, but it was just that, an accident.

I had had enough of being an invalid and relying on other people. I had had enough of waking up every day in Holby City Hospital. I had a big appointment with my physio today, they were expecting to get me walking again today, but I wasn't sure it was going to happen. I didn't want to disappoint anyone, especially Jac.


	2. Chapter 2

A nurse came in to take my observations. I had been in hospital for just over 4 months, and every few hours for the last 4 months, a nurse had taken my observations and I was getting frustrated with being constantly prodded and poked. The nurse who had come to take them this time was a miserable woman and I did not like her one bit.

She walked up to the side of the bed and dropped the blood pressure cuff on the side of the bed.

"Can I have your arm madam?" The moody nurse demanded. I really disliked this nurse. There was something about her that just got on my nerves. Her bedside manner was worse than my sisters, which is saying something because Jac's bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. The nurse wasn't exactly kind to everyone but she seemed to be so much worse with me, and my theory was because her and Jac didn't get on, she wasn't very kind to me.

"No." I grumbled at her. I didn't look up from my game on my phone. I just wanted to be left alone.

"Don't take that attitude with me young lady!" She barked at me. I rolled my eyes and glared at her.

"Go away!" I snapped at her. I didn't want to be around anybody, least of all this god awful nurse.

Fletch walked past the side room door with a pile of paperwork, he glanced at my scowling face, and then at which nurse was treating me. He then turned around back the way he came and headed towards my sisters office. He could see where the situation was heading.

"You will do as you are told. I want your arm…NOW!" The nurse said, forcefully grabbing my arm to put the blood pressure cuff on.

"GET. OFF. ME." I shouted. I looked up and saw Jac walk around the corner at the bottom of the ward.

I pulled my arm away forcefully from the nurses grip, accidentally knocking the water jug that was on the tray over my bed, and sending it flying across the floor with a clatter.

When Jac heard the clatter, she picked up her pace down the corridor.

I sat up and shuffled to the edge of the bed, turned and lowered my feet to the floor. I stood up and tried to take a step. My legs gave way, and I fell down to the floor, hard.

By this point, Jac had reached the door of the side room that I was in.

"GET OUT!" Jac shouted to the nurse. She didn't like the nurse in the first place, but she liked her a whole lot less now she had allowed me to try and get out of bed and potentially injure myself. The nurse did not react.

"JUST GET OUT!" She screamed at the nurse, and this time she moved. She left the room, Jac shut the door after her and then ran across to me.

Jac knelt down next to me, and helped me to sit up. She pulled me into her lap, supporting my back with one of her legs which was bent slightly. My legs were straight out in front of me, and I was leant into Jac's shoulder. She wrapped both her arms around me, and my arms were between me and her. I couldn't hold it together any longer, and I began to sob.

"It's okay. I'm here." Jac whispered, stroking the side of my face gently.

"I..I…I h..h…hate t…t…this" I sobbed. This was the first time I had opened up, broken down or cried since the accident. I was angry that I had to rely on other people to do even basic things, and I felt like I was going crazy staring at the same four walls for months on end.

"Sssh, sssh, sssh" She whispered, pulling me closer into her. She kissed my forehead gently. I always felt safe with my sister. Somehow, she just had a way of making everything better, and a way of making life seem less tough.

"I've got you." She said. Jac gently began to rock me backwards and forwards. I closed my eyes and I followed Jac's breathing, inhaling each time she inhaled, and exhaling each time she exhaled. I found myself calming down slowly. I was gently stroking Jac's thick ginger hair, and her hoodie that I was snuggled into. I twiddled the hoodie string between my fingers.

"I hate my legs for not working." I mumbled in a small, quiet voice. I didn't recognise myself now, compared to who I was before the accident. It was as if I was living somebody else's life. The only thing that I was keeping me going was my sister.

"I know you do, but you will learn to walk again." Jac said. She sounded so sure. I hope she is right.

"Jac, I can't do it! I just can't!" I sighed. I was loosing hope that I was ever going to get better.

"You're getting stronger everyday, you can't see it but I see the change in you every day, and each day you're a bit stronger and a bit brighter." She said softly, taking my hand in hers and intertwining our fingers.

"But it doesn't feel like it?" I mumbled. I didn't feel any better than the day I first woke up.

"Babe, I know. I really know." Jac whispered, again she pulled me closer and gently rocked me side to side.

"I have had to learn how to walk again twice. I know how hard it is." She said. I curled into her and cling to my sister. I remember both times, the first time I was very small and I don't remember it well. Jac was in a motorbike accident. Looking back, I realise how close I came to loosing her, but at the time I had no concept of just how sick she was. The second time was last year. She was shot by the CEO's lunatic of a son. Fletch really helped her and supported her, and he brought me to the hospital everyday to see her. Jac had noticed that I had curled into her and clung to her.

"Look at me." Jac said, she waited for me to move or to say something but I didn't.

"LOOK at me!" She repeated, more firmly. I let go of her and sat up, Jac took my hands in hers and gently squeezed them.

"You're going to be okay. You're a Naylor." Jac smiled. I half smiled back. I put my arms around Jac and hugged her tight. I then turned around and looked at my bed.

"Would you like a hand?" She asked me. I scowled and shook my head. I wanted to try and get up and get back into bed myself.

I pulled my left leg towards my chest, and then did the same with my right leg. I then put both my hands on the chair in front of me, and hauled myself onto my feet. I managed to stay stood up for a few seconds, and I tried to take a step towards the bed, at which point my leg gave way under me and I fell back down to the floor.

Jac quickly manoeuvred and grabbed my shoulder to stop me hitting the floor too hard. I shrugged her off and huffed.

"It's your fault I can't feel my legs." I muttered, looking her in the eye. My words hung in the air. I didn't mean it, and I didn't know where it came from. I know it was an accident. Jac didn't react to what I said, which wound me up more for some reason.

"ITS YOUR FAULT." I yelled at her. I didn't know where this sudden wave of anger had come from, or why I was taking it out on Jac.

"IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN YOU!" I shouted. As soon as I said it, I regretted it. I wished there was a way to take the words back. I didn't mean any of it. I loved my sister, and I needed her.

"Do you not think I don't know that?" Jac snapped at me. I wanted to say sorry but the words would not come out. I could see I had really hurt her.

Jac didn't say anything further to me. She scoped me off the floor like a baby, with one arm behind my knees and one arm behind my back. She put me back in the bed gently, and pulled the blanket over my legs so I didn't get cold. She turned to walk away, and I reached out and grabbed her hand. I didn't want her to go. Jac pulled her arm away from me.

"Jac – I'm s-" I started, but she continued to walk off.

I watched her walk away, down the corridor and round the corner of Darwin, towards her office. I wished, now more than ever, I could stand up and run after her.

I regretted what I had said. It wasn't her fault, and I knew it wasn't. It was an accident. We were hit by a drunk driver who was speeding. He was now in prison.

I felt so bad about what I had said.

Jac hadn't misses a single appointment of mine since the accident, but after what I had just said I didn't think she wouldn't come to my physical therapy appointment now.

I rolled over with my back to the door and closed my eyes.


End file.
